Where to begin....

Since I left blogged, I found out my husband has been engaged in an affair. I am so confused and sad and angry and shocked. I love him. Although I wish I didn't. I think it would be easier if I didn't. I want to save our family, but sometimes the thought of him makes my stomach turn. Over all I am just struggling to make sense of it all. I am starting to realize that I am trying to make sense of something that has no sense or reason. Very difficult. Trying to focus on me and being a better person. I can't control him or changed his behavior or heart but I can learn about and care for myself.

Counseling

Since I have been struggling with life,I decided to go to counseling. I found a good one and we had a great session. She called this afternoon and my insurance refused to cover so I can quit going or cover $75 per session. Yikes. Tough choice.

Jealous Mother

I have been struggling with my relationship with my mother for years. I have come to a conclusion - she is jealous of me. I am a strong and independent woman. I put myself through college. I carried 30 hours in a calendar year while maintaining a 4.0 and working 40+ years a week. I can do anything for myself. The last flat tire I had I changed. However, I choose to be in a loving relationship with my best friend. We are partners, a team. He might drop off the kids at school and I'll pick them up. He will mow the yard while I clean and trim the landscape. I cook he cleans. It is through teamwork we get things done. My mother on the other hand is dependant on my step dad. He takes care of every aspect of their lives. He earns the money and pays the bills. He chooses what car to buy, what trips to take and what they watch on TV. She is the woman therefore she does all the cooking and cleaning. My mom has never had a job that she didn't punch a time clock. I on the other hand have much flexibility in my place of employment. I am educated and considered by most bright. She isn't and struggles to understand basic language and math. I was molested as a child and worked toward healing. She hasn't even admitted she was molested although a counselor even told her mom wasn't been truthful about claiming to not be molested. I am open and honest with my spouse and kids. She isn't. I have constructed a family to not repeat the cycle of abuse and she didn't. All of this being said is not to toot my own horn. It is because my mom still to this very day calls me and tries to undermine myself esteem. Now that I recognize her game, I can deal with it head on.

You guessed it

I am still struggling with my mom. When I mention to my mom changing or reexamining ourselves, actions and motives, she takes it to mean that she isn't good enough. She has a very low sense of self. Over the weekend I notice that when our family gets together, I am always seeking approval from someone anyone. Why do I do that? I wish I knew. I am a funny and smart girl. I don't need anyone to tell me that. I know it but when spending time with my family I just keep interjecting everything I am good at and how well my kids are doing. I just want someone to throw me a bone. Why? There is nothing anyone can tell me about me that I don't already know yet I feel like a child just wanting someone to pat me on the head.

Long time no blogging

I haven't blogged in a LONG time. No real reason just life. My health is balancing out again. My husband has been working many long hours. I have been taking care of the kids and painting the house. I have been struggling with my relationship with my mom. She has always been her needs before anyone else's. I don't know how to cope with that. I wish I could. She put her needs in front of mine when I was child and she failed to protect me. I have trouble balancing that with I think she did the best she could with the tools she had. In my heart of hearts I believe she did the best but the problem I have is that to her that is good enough even now she doesn't change or self examine. She maintains the status quo and that isn't ok. It is ok that you make mistakes but you learn and move on. She doesn't have that part in her. Am I wrong for longing for her to change?

Book

I have thought about publishing a book. I have been writing bits about my childhood and past. A week or so ago I sent a proposal to a publisher and they want to see the full manuscript. HOLY COW. I am not sure I am ready yet. However, writing the book has been so healing. I am a journaler and writing my feelings helps me process them.

Anniversary

My wedding anniversay is coming up soon. I can't wait to celebrate. Oh a different note, my health problems are not over. I am still working with the doctors to try and determine what exactly is going on. I hope soon it will all pass.