Update

I have been having health issues. My periods have been crazy and not constant. I went to the doctor and they found a tumor. The biopsy came back negative. All my blood work (thyroid, sugars and such) are normal. My body has stopped producing hormones which explains the darkness that has been surrounding me. I have a follow up soon. I'll keep you posted. About my diet, I did GREAT for a few weeks then went on a trip and it all fell apart. Now I am back on the straight and narrow. I hope I keep up the good work. Food is the enemy. It calls to me when I am down and out. Food wants to comfort me but I need to find a new vice.

Mercy and Grace

It is no secret I have been struggling the past week or so. I just have so much anger and confusion trapped in side of my soul. I ran across a blog that I can't quit thinking about. Oh how I wish I could find the peace that the author of this blog has even after she faced such horrific outcome. If only... Until next time...

Dark Clouds

The dark clouds are trying to take over my mind, but I will fight. I may still be a little weepy. However, I will never give in to the darkness. It just isn't me. This happens several times a year. I have fought and won so many times. I know I can get through this too. I just need to hunker down and get ready because I don't think this will go away as fast as before. I feel too weighted down. I work at a dead end job for a state agency. I recently completed my degree and additional training to break out into a new field but I don't have any experience so I can't land a job. I really feel I am missing so much with my kids and I am stuck 8 hours a day in a cubicle prison truly dying to get out. I know I should be grateful for my job and life but right now I just don't have it in me. Rest assured that soon and very soon I will. Until next time.....

Friends or Foes

I need to go to the dentist. I have a tooth that has cracked. I hate going to the dentist. I never went as a child so as an adult every visit just means more and more work. For many years, I didn't have dental insurance so that became my excuse. Now I have good insurance yet still I find myself putting it off and putting it off. I read a book that made a correlation between hating dental work and abuse. I don't know why exactly I hate the dentist so much but I do. I am home with a sick kid today. I always feel so guilty when I need time off from work to care for my kids. I am not sure why I do, I just do. I work at a state agency and there is nothing I am responsible for the is life threatening. If I didn't do my job for weeks or probably even months, nobody would suffer severe consequences. However, that doesn't stop the guilt. My kids are my most important role yet why do I feel so guilty? Is it because I am the primary bread winner? Partially because of the rising cost of everything and not getting income increases in years (yes I said years,) I know that our family has smaller and smaller buying and savings power. We are becoming increasing closer to struggling. This drives me nuts. Both my husband and I work hard and take care of our family. We both have college degrees and have furthered our training. Yet we are slowly slipping one pay check at a time closer to not making ends meet. This is scary as you can imagine. I know if something did happen, we have people who care a great deal for us. It is odd because I have never been one to ask for help. I think friends and family would help but I don't know. I am scared to ever have to found out. I would rather just pretend they would, just in case they wouldn't. Until next time...

Politics and Abortion

I hear and read discussion and articles about abortion and politics and I wanted to weigh in. These are tough and complicated subjects separately but when added together it creates an even more emotionally divisive subject. Please understand I am not judging anyone, just stating my opinion. Your opinion can be different. I am not asking to debate anyone just expressing myself. I personally don’t like or care for abortions. Lucky for me I live in a country where I can choose. While I wish we never had to abort a child, I also wish we protected every person from rape and incest but this clearly isn’t the case. I know people say that most people getting abortions aren’t victims of a crime. To me if even one is, she should have the right to choose. I can’t imagine having to make that choice and then live with the consequences everyday. Rape and incest scars you for life, then to add in the fact that the victim could become pregnant and have a child to show for it. This is just more than I can comprehend. Recently the state legislature in my state made it a law that all women who have an abortion must have a 3d ultrasound performed before the abortion. My heart really breaks for these women. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I know how deep the wounds run. I still have flashbacks. Now the primarily white male state legislature has decided to further inflict the victims with this requirement. I just don’t get it. I wish we would focus on helping end sexual violence and help to educate people to make better decisions when and how they are choosing to have sex. I think our efforts are better served on these issues than arguing if a woman has a right to chose. Won't it be nice if someday there was not a need for abortions?

Weepy

I sat and read all my blog entries tonight and now I am crying like a baby. So many mixed feelings, so little time. Recovering is defiantly a day by day thing. Some days I think about it all and I feel empowered like I can do and overcome anything. Then others like tonight I could just fold and die. Every breath hurts and I wonder if I will ever be happy again. I am sure this will pass like always but right now it is raw. Until next time....

Survivor

I recently found this blog listed on another website as one survivor’s tale. Survivor – wow I could think of a million nicknames for myself and that one would never be listed. Not that I don’t like it. I just haven’t ever seen myself as a survivor. When I say (or type) survivor I think about the people who survived 9/11, the holocaust, Katrina, being a POW, or many other horrible events. I copied the following definition of survivor from webster.com: to remain alive or in existence, live on, or to continue to function or prosper. Ok I am a survivor. However, using that definition, I have survived many things like not one but two children with the terrible twos, more than ten years of marriage, almost $4 a gallon gas, high school, college, and shopping on black Friday. I plan to survive many more things like proms, graduations, paying for college, and grandkids. I have said this before; I didn’t know not surviving was an option. I believe the most important aspect of surviving is thriving. Heck, I know people who didn’t thrive when their children hit the terrible twos or people who are stuck in a loveless marriage. When I was thrown a curve ball (sexually abused) at such a young age, it forever changed my life just like it did those who were in the holocaust, Katrina, or any other terrible situation or event. Statistics say people who go through such life changing events have an extremely high rate of using drugs and alcohol to mast the pain or inflict their pain on others around them. I refuse to do either of those options. I expect more. I wish I could say that I loved myself more than that but that would be a lie. I am learning to like me but I am not there yet. I am working on it. In time, I will be able to say I survived very low self-esteem. Until then I hope I don’t have to survive $5 a gallon gas….