Mommy Dearest

My mom had cancer when I was in the second grade. This happened right after my dad moved out. She spent two weeks in the hospital and had two years of chemo and six weeks of radiation. She was very ill. I really thought she would die and I didn't know what would happen to us. I worried excessively about this, almost like if I worried hard enough it wouldn't happen. Interesingly enough today I am a huge worrier - what if we run out of food, if our house burns, if I get cancer, or if my kids die. You name it and I worry about it. When she was in the hospital, my older sister would drive us to see her even though my sister didn't have her driver's license yet. During one visit, my mom told me that she did not love me and wish she never had me. That comment haunted me for years, my mom denies saying it and my sister says my mom said it while she was all "drugged up." For some reason, I always felt lucky that my mom took care of me, not understanding that it was her job as a mom. These feelings coupled with my endless worrying was almost more than I could bare. I never asked for anything from my mom. I never wanted to give her a reason to not care for me. Frankly if she didn't I didn't know who/if anyone would care for me. I knew we didn't have any money and even if we did my mom really didn't care for me. I would wear shoes that were too small. I started my period and didn't even ask for pads. I just made them out of rolled toilet paper. I just tried to get by the best I could with what I had. I still find it hard to buy things for myself or do something just for me. I truly feel invisible like no one would/could love or care for me. At this stage in my life, I pour most of my efforts into my children. I don't ever want them to experience life the way I have. I want them to know that their mom loves them because they exist - nothing more or nothing less. I want them to never be scared of saying something to me even if it might hurt my feelings. I want them to know without reservation that their lives matter not only to me but to themselves.