Me

I have tried to figure out what caused me to rise above my past. I wonder if it was something I read or a speech I heard. To be honest, I don't ever remembering thinking I would not overcome and that my kids would have the same horrible childhood. I always knew that I would not settle for less because I wanted kids and I wanted them to have an incredible childhood. I believe I have been successful at creating new and different childhoods for them but if there is a regret in it all, I wish would have understood that I should have expected more for myself. I am worthy of it. I was trained at a very early age to put others wants and desires above mine. My dad showed me that his needs and wants came before mine when he used me for his sick pleasure. My mom taught me the very same lesson when before counseling sessions we talked about what we could and could not talk about like the fact that she had overnight guests. It is a pattern I learned from my parents. A pattern now I am trying to unlearn. As with anything, some days are better than others. After my real dad left, my mom decided that we need counseling. We went to individual and group therapy. It was horrible. I never talked. I just sat very still in hopes that I didn't have to answer any questions. I remember in group counseling a young girl that shared the details of her sexual abuse with the group and she used terms that I wasn't familiar with. The counselor described in great detail what exactly she was talking about which blew my mind. I was way too young to understand and it was scary. Those counseling sessions were in many regards as bad as the abuse. Lots of mixed messages like sex was dirty and we shouldn't have it but we were suppose to come to this class and talk in great detail about sex and it was ok. Really weird. When I reflect on specific stories during my childhood, I do think it is nothing short of amazing inner strength that carried me through. Both of my sisters and my mom are all on mood altering medicines but proudly, I am not. It has never been an option nor will it ever be for me. Thinking back used to haunt me but now it actually gives me strength. It is that strength that makes me feels like I have a new life. The abuse is in my past but my future is my to do with as I choose. I will enjoy every single minute. After all, I worked hard to get to this point.