Religion and God

I believe in God. However, I struggle with organized religion. God has been helpful at times. I pray and He eases my heart but where was He when I was a child. How could a loving God allow a child, any child to be harmed? The small town I grew up in had three churches – a Catholic, Methodist and Baptist. My father was a strict Catholic so I spend the first part of my childhood in a Catholic church. I learned the Hail Mary and had first Holy Communion. When my mom first learned of the abuse, she went to the Catholic priest and told him. His response was that children often make up stories to pit one parent against the other. My mom stayed with my father. After my father finally left, a neighbor began taking me and my sister to the Baptist church. I remember feeling so judged and pitied by the people in that church. It all fell apart for me one Sunday night. Everyone was instructed to bring in their smurfs to be thrown into a fire because some nut ball decided that smurfs were of the devil. (FYI – Smurfs were a cartoon that I loved more than anything.) That pretty much did it for me. I never returned. It was so confusing these righteous Christian throwing toys that were of the devil (whatever that means) into a fire. I think they were trying to scare the devil out of us but they just scared me out of church. I always have wondered why didn’t any of the church people see the hurt in my eyes or had they and looked the other way. Years later the local minister from the Methodist Church showed up at our house. He would always come and talk to us. He was just a jewel of a person. He began picking me and my sister up for church. I remember one Sunday a kid in my Sunday school class teased me about always wearing the same dress. If the truth was known, it was my only dress as we were pretty poor. The minister was quick to jump to my defense a say if he had a dress that pretty he too would wear it every Sunday. The minister demonstrated unconditional love to me with his actions and I will never forget him for that. I continued attending the Methodist church until I went to college. One Sunday while in church, I prayed a prayer to God telling him I just didn’t know if I could believe in Him but if He were real to show me by sending me a burning bush and get me a basketball scholarship to play somewhere, anywhere out of state. I don’t believe that God will give into demands. However, I think He knew I was at a cross roads and it was do or die. He was faithful and I moved to out of state for two years and played basketball. While out of state, I met my husband. I went through several boys before meeting my husband. I dated a boy that was very wealthy and tried to buy me to control me. When that didn’t work, he dumped me. I was sad and happy all at the same time. I felt as alone as ever but I also knew it would not work out anyway. One night, I was very sad, alone, scared, upset and crying I prayed another prayer. I prayed with every ounce of my being that He would send me a very special boy – one who was a diamond in the rough just like me. We would grow and learn from each other. Boy did I get a diamond in the rough. He is my love and my soul mate. We don’t have an ideal relationship but it works for us. He is secure enough to not control me and firm enough to call me out when I need it. I trust him beyond words. He didn’t save me. I saved myself. However whenever I have a bad day or am stressed out he is there keeping me on the straight and narrow. Not to mention, he gave me two of the most perfect, lovable creatures on this planet. It was one of these creatures that asked me not long ago why God would allow children to starve. Wow, that question hit me square between the eyes. If there is a God why does He allow children to starve or be abused? I don’t have the answers. I only know what I feel in my heart and to me that is real. I believe in God.